I'm in a better place in my life which I've never thought I'd be in back in the old days of my never ending depression. It's wierd cause when I look back on my life, the way I did and portrayed things, even my old writings...I wonder who that person was and where they came from but at the same time relieved that they are no longer here. I wish that half of the people that I was friends with were still my friends despite the times when we dated but sadly I know that it will never be. My youngest is 7 months has his frist 2 teeth and is beginning to crawl and again I think of the past of how different his life would be if I were the same then as now. I think of the people who I was friends with and still are and ask them how they put up with me cause I'll never understand. I thank them and appreciate them more for remaining friends with me through the years especially through all that was. For those of you who have no clue what I'm talking about I was a major depressed person who cut herself even though I thought of dying it wasn't to kill myself but to feel cause at the time I felt numb to the world. I fucked over and hurt a lot of good people of my own selfishness. Thinking if I was cold hearted and hurt them first then I wouldn't have to be hurt in a relationship not knowing I was damaging myself more hurting people who I reall cared for but thought would hurt me. Through psycotic episodes and bi-polar I somehow made it this far but for those you were there and witnessed it and still to this day stand by me....it amazes me. I couldn't be happier in my life with my 2 sons and soon to be husband, but I miss my friends. Even if it was just a mere text message every now and then saying 'hi' would be nice but I know we have all grown our seperate ways and all have our new different lives. Please to all of my friends out there please say 'hello' once in a while 830-890-9614 I'd really appreciate it.

I haven't really been on here in like 2 years but now I'm back and I have a lot of stuff to add. A lot are old, well old to me but new to deviantart and a few new stuff so look for them and please comment and/or critize I'd really appricate it. I'm trying to publish a poetry book and I need all the help I can get.

I talked to some one today, not just talked but told them EVERYTHING! From as far back as I remeber to now and to my surprise they didn't turn me away. They just smiled, said come here, and gave me a big hug. It felt so good to be accepted for who I am TRUELY! I cried after that from being in shock because I was expecting it to be how it always is bad.

Someone once told me that I needed to be happy with who I am and to quiet holding things back and bottling them all inside. I think I’ve finally realized who I really am but I’m afraid to show it. I think my biggest problem was hiding it from everyone. I always took what people said about me to the heart and over the years I’ve strived to correct the problem, thus becoming someone else. If someone called me ugly I’d chop and brush until my appearance changed. If someone didn’t like my clothes well I’d change that too. The color of my hair to the covering up my skin I’d do anything to be perfect. Cover my dots and store away the true me that I thought was too ugly and bad to be. So changing as much as I did over the years started making me believe that who ever I was pretending to be was who I really was. Deep down I knew that this wasn’t true for the little voice kept screaming at me time and time again. Instead of listening I’d push the voice to the back of my head and I’d drown it out with loud music, drugs, alcohol, and cutting. It started to get to me in a way I can’t describe. I went to the Southwest Mental Heath Center twice thinking that the pills they prescribed would help me get through but I soon realized that they just cover it up. I’ve been to almost every single counselor in Kerrville thinking if talking to them would help but they’d ask the wrong questions or didn’t know what to say. I could see it in their eyes that I was like a lost cause. Soon I just stopped caring and strived to be different. Whatever someone did or said I’d do the opposite. I didn’t care about anything not my friends or my boyfriends or even myself. Everything was “whatever, shit happens” that was my motto. I hated making eye contact the most. I knew I could hide my feelings along with everything else just fine but I was afraid that if someone took one good look into my eyes that they would give it all away. Someone said to me that your eyes cannot lie about the past and will tell everything once given the chance too. I started wearing my hair down in my face and my hoodie pulled over my head to where I could barely see so no one could the lies I was holding back from everyone. My biggest fear was someone seeing through me looking into my past. Even now today I hate it when people see right through me. I guess my biggest burden I carry that weighs down my heart so much it sinks to the floor and drags behind me is that I blame myself for everything. Everything that’s gone wrong in my life I blame myself and I hold a deep big grudge against myself because of it. After almost 7 years I still blame myself for my boyfriend Matthew’s death. I blame myself for my friend Richard’s death. I blame myself for my friend James’ death. I blame myself for my friend Ashley’s dad’s death. I blame myself for the break ups of every relationship I’ve ever been in. Matthew, Busby, Charles, Timmy, David E., David S., Travis, Joshua Cra., Joshua Cro., Joshua C., Andrew, Justin, Oz, Tony, Dusty, Gabe B, Marcus, Aaron, Chris S., Chris D., Brian, Jacob, James, Scott, and Anthony. I blame myself for every problem I had in those relationships. I blame myself for them not being happy with me. It was like no matter how hard I tried I just couldn’t be happy with anyone even if I seemed like I was happy deep down I was just blah. There’s not even a word for the way I felt except blah. I blame myself for my Grandparents death. I blame myself for my friends moving away for not keeping in contact with them. Just everything. I don’t even think there’s enough paper in Texas to write down everything I blame myself for. I blame myself for everything that’s happened in my life. I think that’s why I’m not truly happy. Not just in life but with everything else too. It’s not suppose to be this way I should die a virgin and all alone. At least that way no one would have gotten hurt. I sure in the hell am not going to die a virgin but I can still make sure I die alone. That way no body else gets hurt. I’ve hurt too many people, as it is I don’t want to hurt anyone anymore or get hurt. I’m just so tired of hurting. Now that everyone is gone I only have one person to turn to, one person to confide in and share my problems with. That one person is so special to me that not even Death himself can come between our bond and us. That one person is my cousin Noah. I love him more than anyone can know. He is my Noahy. He might be younger than me but when I look at him and see how much more and fucked up shit he’s been through, more than I can ever know and him still being here, still living, still trying. That right there is what makes me brave and strong enough to keep going. I don’t know how I got this far without him but I don’t think I can make it that much further without him either. He is my everything. He is my life. He is my cousin. He is my best friend. He is not only my Noahy, but he is my Super Noahy!

I dedicate this to him knowing that he’ll never know or appreciate just how much we’re family and just how much I care about him.

My friend Josh is coming down next weekend from San Marcus to see me. I'm so excited and nervous. I don't what's going to happen or what we're going to do but I hope that whatever it is it all goes well. I'm hoping that he doesn't think I've changed all that much. I mean except for me having a baby I don't think I've really changed at all. Well that's all for my update and I'll update more after I see him to let you guys know how everything went.